Swine Flu?

Don't know if it's possible for a cat to get H1N1, but whatever it was it was a doozy. Once again I couldn't eat, drink, crap or piss, which are basically all I ever do besides sleep. So Smelly Feet and Blondie got me into the plastic jail cell and took me to the vet. Turns out it was some kind of virus again, so the daily treatment was pills jammed down my throat twice daily followed by the ol' tube in the backside for fluids trick. Yowza! I'm back at it again, causing a fuss like usual. And yes I did catch two bats at the same time. How'd I do it you ask? All in good time, my friends, all in good time.

How to Brainwash Humans... part one

We all know humans are so predictable. And they think they know everything. So, let's take advantage of this. Example: you want soft food and your humans are being stingey. Easy! Pretend you're sick by acting "lethargic" (acting lethargic? it's a way of life!) by sleeping "too much", next thing you know the humans will give you extra attention- you know, scratches, cuddles, the works. But hang in there, take the attention but once every two days yak up your dry food (don't worry, this won't go on more than two days) and meow in a strange pitch for awhile. Result? Humans think you're sick, see the yak and try change your diet to something more digestible. And voila! Soft food! Suckers!

The Disadvantages of Freedom

I know, the title sounds strange. Like something Al Gore would say. But it's true. Ever since I've been given my freedom weird shit has started happening. First, I eat a poisonous mouse. Well, I didn't exactly eat it, but bit enough of the bugger to send me swirling and earn a visit to the hospital. Put me out of commision for days. Next, I get soaked. I already mentioned how wet this summer was, and I don't know how many times I got caught in the rain. No joy whatsoever. But you know the worst thing of all about being an "outdoor" cat? Freakin' fleas. OH...MY...GOD... These things drive me crazy. Stinky Feet even bathed me the other day. It helped for a day or two but they're back. The creepy pests do a daily migration up and down my back but have pretty well set up camp just up from my tail. You know, that spot that you just can't reach. So next thing you know all my customary sleeping spots are infested too. Haven't slept in my bed for weeks. Hardly ever sit on my pillow. You know the only places to hang where the bastards don't get you is on cold linoleum or on top of Blondie's dresser. But they're out there, lurking, waiting, dying to get at me.

Blondie got some spray the other day that's supposed to help. NOT. This toxic stuff is like Agent Orange but all the fleas did was pack up and move camp further up my back. IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! Besides the fleas, August was alright. A little damp, but at least that dog is gone. Hallelujah! Bring on September. Gotta go, my ass is itchy. Adios.

July, a month like no other

Hey humans. How's it going? And don't start complaining about the weather- you caused it (google: global warming) so deal with it. Must admit though, July's been pretty damp. Seriously cramping my social life. You want to know why cats don't like the rain? 'Cause we can't hold onto umbrellas- we don't have thumbs, morons! So I've been spending a lot more time indoors doing my nap research. But that's not easy either. The big, smelly German shepherd is still around so I've got to skulk around to avoid him. Don't get me wrong, I can handle him. He definitely doesn't want one of my claw-filled roundhouses to his ugly snout. But I've been controlling myself. The beast doesn't know any better, I mean, he's a dog. The guy can't even go outside without a rope tied to him, what a clown! And you want to know something freakin' hilarious? Smelly Feet and Blondie walk around the block (yawn) with him tied to the rope and collect his crap in plastic bags!! I almost burst a gut the first time I saw this. They actually wait while he drops one, then pick it up in a bag and then bring it home with them!!! As you kids say LMAO!!!

So I haven't seen to much of Pippers this month. He has no self control when it comes to the dog. I've tried to tell him: "Dude, relax... it's just a dog", but he lets his instincts take over and next thing you know they're scrapping. The end result is usually the dog gets scratched on the nose and Pippers runs and hides and risks cardiac arrest. Take some cat nip buddy. Remember, we're cats, we run things.

Well, it's raining again. Surprise! I'm heading upstairs to work on my thesis.

Did I tell you about the bat in the basement? Maybe next time. Sayonara, suckas!

Just when you thought you'd seen it all...

A dog. Can you freaking believe it? A dog. Smelly Feet left for a couple days and comes back with a fancy new car and a dog. A big, smelly, wants to constantly niff you and bark at you, German shepherd dog. So needless to say it's hard to get some attention around here. The dog, his name's Shango... what kind of freakin' name is Shango? Well the dog eats my food but he's afraid to go upstairs for some reason so I eat up there lately. The other night the crazed canine tried to chase me around the house and got punished by being sent to the mud room. Ha! Show him to mess with numero uno in this casa. So, yeah, I'm spending a lot more time upstairs and outside these days. Pippers freakin' hates Shango. Took a swipe at him the first time they met. Atta boy Pip. Show that mofo dog who runs things.

You think my fur made a mess? Man, this thing makes his own carpets. There is hair everywhere! And my stools smell like roses next to this beast. I tried some of Shango's food today. Horrible. I yakked. No wonder his loofies reek.

I'll write some more later but here comes the dog again so I'm heading upstairs for a nap. Did I tell you about my all-nighter last night? Blondie and Smelly Feet left me out all night long! But that's another story.

I'm back, and I've lost weight!

Hey people. Sorry, it's been awhile I know. After the near death experience ( I'm only exagerating a little bit- you ask Blondie, I was H-U-R-T-I-N-G!) I've been up to my ears in mischief. I'm really getting to know the neighbourhood well, and enjoy causing havoc by staying out WAY late and waiting for the humans to try and entice me back with the bag of treats. I definitely could get used to this lifestyle. Smelly Feet lets me out first thing in the morning and all I have to do is come back, meow a little and they put food out for me- SUHweet! And if I stay out real late I get treats! You figure that one out.

Oh yeah, and since the last time I was weighed back when I was a city cat in T-dot, I've lost a whole half a kilo! That's like 15 pounds in cat weight! Actually, when I think about it my buddy Pippers has lost weight too, but that's only because half the dead thing hanging off his back end that he calls a tail fell off. GROSS!

We've had lots of visitors and they seem to enjoy picking me up, scratching me, you know the usual human stuff. "He's so big!" they scream. Oh yeah, thank you very much. I've been neutered though.

You readers ought to consider a visit, you'd love it. There's fresh air, lots of bike trails, rivers everywhere, but one thing I would definitely recommended- don't eat the mice.

Later folks.

not...feeling....well....

Hey there loyal followers, I'm gonna be brief. Felt great last week, caught a mouse on Friday, showed it off to Smelly Feet then woke up Saturday morning feeling like crap. I yakked a couple times, I've got no appetite (yes, I, Ficus, have nooo appetite) and my belly hurts. Blondie took me to the vet where they stabbed me, poked me and shoved things down my throat. Looks like I'm just going to chill for a few days, so bear with me.
Don't worry I'll be back, hungrier than ever.
Oh yeah, the doc said I've lost weight! Almost half a kilo.
Over and outski.